...and leaves me at home. He doesn't usually want me to come along because he says it's just a boys night. Should I be mad?"
F.S. Fresno, CA.
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You're entitled to whatever feelings you have! If someone you care about is behaving in a way that dooesn't feel good, then it doesn't feel good. Normal reactions to that can range from anger to sadness.
It's healthy for couples to have a good balance in their relationship - some time for "you," some for "me" and some for "us." But if you feel as though your fiance isn't nurturing the relationship, try sitting down with him and expressing how it feels to not be included in his plans. Do it in a way that is dissarming, such as, "I feel left out when you don't want to include me." Try not to attack. People usually respond better when the other person comes from an "I feel" place.
Considering the fact that you are engaged to be married, I highly recommend exploring areas in your relationship such as communication, role expectations, logistics, balance and the like. If you try communicating and things don't seem to improve, premarital counseling is always an option. I see a lot of couples who come in at the "end of their ropes" and I firmly believe this is a good investment in the longevity of your marriage!
Good luck!
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
"Individual and Relationship Therapy for Change"
http://www.lisakifttherapy.com/
Ask the Therapist a relationship question at askthetherapist@lisakifttherapy.com
ASK THE THERAPIST: "My fiance is always going out with his friends...
ASK THE THERAPIST: "My husband says that he doesn't have any problems and it's all me..."
...He doesn’t take anything I say to heart. He will almost and has came right out and said that everything I am concerned about is nonsense. I just want him to look at me as an important part of his life and he doesn’t seem to be able to express that if he does think it. We have lots of drama in our house and things some times get so bad I just want to run away."
M.S., Savannah, Georgia
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time in your marriage! First of all I'd like to tell you that it's a rare day when the problems that occur in a relationship are the fault of one person. Ideally, both people can 1) acknowledge there's a problem, 2) can admit they each play a part in it and 3) are willing to each make changes in some way. Unfortunately, it often doesn't work out this way and there's on partner who insists it's all on the shoulders of the other - as it sounds like in your case. It can be very painful if our partners don't validate our experience. The irony is, there's no such thing as "it's your problem" because guess what..."your problem" becomes a marriage problem and that does involve him.
Try communicating to him the level of your unhappiness again - but in a way that is dissarming. For example, "I'm feeling really unappreciated and unloved in this relationship and I'd like to talk about it...will you listen without interruption?" If he's unwilling or unable to listen, validate, empathize and offer solutions - then maybe marriage counseling is an option. Sometimes it's helpful to have a neutral third party trained in relationships to assist. If he's not willing to do that - you will have some thinking to do about the choices you have, where your boundaries are and what all of this means in the end.
Good luck to you! Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
"Individual and Relationship Therapy for Change"
http://www.lisakifttherapy.com/
Ask the Therapist a relationship question at askthetherapist@lisakifttherapy.com